from Joy Jones of the Washington Post…

I grew up in a time when two-parent families were still the norm, in both black and white America. Then, as an adult, I saw divorce become more commonplace, then almost a rite of passage. Today it would appear that many — particularly in the black community — have dispensed with marriage altogether.

But as a black woman, I have witnessed the outrage of girlfriends when the ex failed to show up for his weekend with the kids, and I’ve seen the disappointment of children who missed having a dad around. Having enjoyed a close relationship with my own father, I made a conscious decision that I wanted a husband, not a live-in boyfriend and not a “baby’s daddy,” when it came my time to mate and marry.

My time never came.

For years, I wondered why not. And then some 12-year-olds enlightened me.

“Marriage is for white people.”

That’s what one of my students told me some years back when I taught a career exploration class for sixth-graders at an elementary school in Southeast Washington. I was pleasantly surprised when the boys in the class stated that being a good father was a very important goal to them, more meaningful than making money or having a fancy title.

“That’s wonderful!” I told my class. “I think I’ll invite some couples in to talk about being married and rearing children.”

“Oh, no,” objected one student. “We’re not interested in the part about marriage. Only about how to be good fathers.”

And that’s when the other boy chimed in, speaking as if the words left a nasty taste in his mouth: “Marriage is for white people.”

He’s right. At least statistically. The marriage rate for African Americans has been dropping since the 1960s, and today, we have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the United States. In 2001, according to the U.S. Census, 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in America had never been married, in contrast to 27.4 percent and 20.7 percent respectively for whites. African American women are the least likely in our society to marry. In the period between 1970 and 2001, the overall marriage rate in the United States declined by 17 percent; but for blacks, it fell by 34 percent. Such statistics have caused Howard University relationship therapist Audrey Chapman to point out that African Americans are the most uncoupled people in the country.

How have we gotten here? What has shifted in African American customs, in our community, in our consciousness, that has made marriage seem unnecessary or unattainable?

Marriage is just a business alliance? What kind of women believe this kind of stuff? yuck!

the whole article…

Around the blogosphere:

Catholic News Geek: Interesting -if sad- take on marriage within the black community
M. Brown of The Life and Times chimes in
fightredfemis: Black Women Winning the Victim Sweepstakes



  1. Georgiapeach Says:

    Wonderful post!

  2. Nightfighter Says:

    Thank you, Peach! Please come again!

  3. The Sanity Inspector Says:

    Nice to hear someone saying that it isn’t all the big bad white man’s fault.

  4. Nightfighter Says:

    Hey Inspector,

    Have you ever heard of a successful victim? Eventually all must carry their own cross and get on with life.

    Thanks for your comment.

  5. T-Steel Says:

    Adult dating, on average, is full of power plays, strategic moves, postering, law writing, personal planning, etc. All that gets in the way of a natural process. I’m a black man married to a black woman. My wife frequently gets jabbed by her friends that she is “too low maintenance” and not “independent enough”. HMMM!! She has her own business, is a loving mother, and loves and respect me (likewise) and that’s a problem? Over 13 years of marriage and now she needs to claim her independence since we’re close?

    That’s the damn problem!

  6. Nightfighter Says:

    Hey Steel,

    from what you’re telling me, the only people who may be unduly influencing your wife are her friends. Are they married? Sounds like a grand case of sour grapes.

    By the way, what do black women mean when they say, “they want to be independent?” Sounds like a great topic for a blog.

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